July 30, 2007

Bears Abuse Reznick Group (& Dogs?)

Team Takes Home First Championship in Four Years

By Dickie Chucklehead

2007 Champions

WAVELAND PARK, CHICAGO -- Amidst balmy weather and allegations of animal abuse, the top-seeded Bears softball team ended the 2007 campaign by bringing home the club’s second league championship in a 14-1 shellacking of the Reznick Group. A consistent offensive attack coupled with near perfect defense was the cornerstone of the slaughter-rule victory over the league’s seventh seeded team.

The Bears (9-1) posted their best season record under the watchful eyes of Coach Morris Buttermaker, batting .594 as a team. When asked about his team’s impressive play in the championship match-up, Buttermaker said, “This is the kind of game I like to manage. I don’t have to do anything but drink my beer and yell at Lopez. I just wish he understood me.”

Bears lead-off hitter, Steve Lopez, capped of an excellent 2007 in which he batted a scorching .690 during the regular season. The team’s speedster went two for four at the plate, scoring two runs and driving in another two. Lopez made a number of solid defensive plays to go along with his offensive contributions. In a post-game interview, Lopez’s interpreter expressed the player’s joy of winning yet another championship with the Bears.

After a scoreless top-half of the first, the Bears quickly went to work on the offensive side of the field. They wasted little time in taking advantage of several Reznick Group miscues and plated six runs in the bottom-half of the inning. It was all Bears from that point on. Stellar defense by the Bears infield along with a few outfield Webgems© prevented Reznick from moving a runner past second base until the final frame of the shortened game. Left-center fielder Jon Branham (2-3, R, 2RBI) shined defensively with numerous diving catches in the Bears win. Asked about his performance after the game, Branham said, “I’ve gave about 85% during the rest of the season, so for this game, I had like 206% to give.”

Jon Branham makes a tumbling catch as other Bears look on

Second baseman, Scott “Scooter” Koch (2-3, 2B, 2R, 2RBI), also flashed some leather with a diving stab that doubled-up another Reznick runner. Questioned on the play, Koch said, “They tried to tell me it hit the ground. I told them to go f#*k themselves.”

Third baseman Tim Pearson had a perfect day at the plate, going three for three with three runs and an RBI. Pearson’s triple was one of only four extra-base hits registered by the Bears in the victory. But, fourteen singles pounded out by the Bears proved that Ozzie ball still prevails in Chicago. Pearson too showed his defensive prowess at the hot corner. More impressive was Pearson’s season-long domination of almost every Bears offensive category, including batting average (.686), on-base-percentage (.750), slugging percentage (1.114), OPS (1.864), runs created (29.3), total bases (39), walks (9) and would-be homeruns (6).

After failing to score in the bottom of the second inning, the only frame in which they were blanked, the Bears put up seven runs in the third and added one more insurance run in the fourth. Reznick Group scored their lone run in the top of the fifth, but it was far too little, far too late. It was a truly disappointing showing for the seventh seeded Reznick Group (5-6) who battled through the number two and number three seeds, including perennial power house, Super Dudes, in route to the championship showdown with the Bears.

Shortstop, Bob “The Mother Brain” Govoni ended the season on a high note, going two for three at the plate with a home run and two RBIs. Govoni recently had equipment problems when his car was stolen out of the player’s parking lot. Back in cleats for the big game, he showed his “true speed” once again. “I know I haven’t been moving like the cheetah I used to be. It’s injuries and I’m going to take care of it in the off-season!” the much maligned Govoni barked after the game. Mid-season rumors that Govoni’s lack of speed was attributed to motivational issues were dispelled when, prior to the final game, doctors found that Govoni in fact had a piano strapped to his back. Govoni will undergo outpatient surgery later this week to have the piano removed. The prayers of the Bears’ faithful are with him for a speedy recovery.

Bears right-fielder Brian Eby also turned in a sharp performance (2-3, R), the finishing touch on his best offensive tour as a Bear. Eby’s .625 season batting average far surpassed his previous high mark of .455 in 2004. Eby should be a shoe-in for the league’s comeback player of the year, improving his average .425 points over last season’s dismal performance. In an injury plagued 2006, Eby batted just .200. Clearly, Eby was hard at work in the off-season.

Sedgwick

Immediately following the game, the oldest living member of the animal loving group PETA accosted the Bears in protest of their purported “abuse” of team dog/mascot Sedgwick. Sedgwick’s owner and Bears right-fielder Chris Sellman (1-2, HR, RBI, BB) denied the unfounded allegations. “What do you mean he doesn’t like getting dirt kicked in his face?,” asked Sellman. His attorney, Danielle Long, was present, but offered little response in a limited statement, only setting forth that, “It’s the dog’s favorite game you b*tch!” Reports unveiled after the game suggest that Federal officers in Washington have been looking into the possibility of a connection between the Bears and the Michael Vick “Bad Newz Kennel” dog fighting conspiracy. To date, no evidence connecting the two has been brought forth and phone calls to the FBI’s Chicago field office have been wholly ignored.

First basemen Andy Nowak cooled off from his ultra-hot start to the postseason. In the first two playoff games, Nowak and his fabled bat “Bohdi” went 8-8, including a game in which Nowak and his vaunted lumber hit for the cycle. When asked about his 0-3 (RBI) performance in the finale, Nowak merely replied that neither he nor Bohdi answer to anyone. Rumors have surfaced that following the game, Bohdi parted ways with Nowak and joined Jen Bobe and a bag of schwag for some off-season debauchery in Mexico.

Lance Birkhofer went three for three (R, RBI) in his second appearance as a Bear this season. Birkhofer filled in for Bears’ regular catcher, Bob “Bobcat” Picchietti who was unable to join the team for political reasons. Birkhofer’s battery mate and long-time Bears ace Devin S. Huber (1-3, 2RBI) worked well together in their first pairing. Quoted from the locker room shower after the game, a naked Huber commented on Birkhofer’s performance: “I liked the signs he was giving. I’d toss my balls at his bald head any day.”

The Bears championship celebration ensued shortly after the game at the team’s sponsor, Riverview Tavern. Spicy Sausage pizza, Honeymooners and Tater-tots along with High Lifes and Bud Selects were plentiful. Cheerful players and a number of the Bears’ faithful rejoiced and reminisced about the evening’s win and the team’s exploits of the past.

How will the Bears fair during the 2008 campaign? Only time will tell. Bears fans will have plenty of excitement to watch out for in the off-season though. With Scooter Koch and Andy Nowak both at the end of their respective contracts, the Bears ownership will be forced into negotiations with Dale “The Panda” Chung, agent for both Nowak and Koch. Chung recently relocated his agency headquarters from San Diego back to Schaumburg, Illinois. When asked about the move and his clients’ future with the Bears, Chung stated that he “came back to be closer to his guys.” This could be a tough off-season for the Bears front office. The Panda’s world renowned negotiation tactics employing a combination Jeet Kune Do and a magic blend of seven Asian spices often cause management to fold under the pressure of his demands.

Bears right-center fielder Steve Lopez may also be absent from next year’s roster. Lopez has become embroiled in visa and other immigration issues stemming from a recent bar fight. Unconfirmed sources have stated that members of Amigos Foods were involved. Lopez defected to the U.S. while playing for the Amigos during their 2001 U.S. tour. His resident status could be in jeopardy for next season.

Can the Bears repeat next season? For now, fans of Chicago’s favorite softball team are relegated to basking in the glory of this Championship season…

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