May 9, 2005

Bears Lose Swagger

Team struggles in 12-7 loss to Enclave; Peterson still missing

By Jack Ingram

MARGATE PARK, CHICAGO -- Following last week’s strong showing against the Cubby Bear squad, many sources in the area had begun pinning the Bears as solid contenders in the Players Group “B” division.

Following Monday night’s pathetic performance versus Enclave, they may want to reevaluate their opinions.

Unable to muster any kind of enthusiasm or significant rally, the Bears fell flatly to Enclave 12-7.

Coach Buttermaker later admitted he wished he had taken a forfeit, as the Bears generously allowed Enclave to arrive at the field well after the indicated game time.

“After the game, all I wanted was a valium,” Buttermaker stated.

The Bears were forced to field a skeleton crew of regulars once again as several Bears were unavailable, including vacationing star pitcher Devin Huber.

Have you seen Fun Bobby?

Also missing was second baseman Scott “the Scooter” Koch and outfielder Brian Eby.

Eby has had a recurring hamstring injury surface again, and not his recurring anal fissure, as some thought.

Koch was excused to locate a Chewbacca costume for the upcoming Star Wars premier.

More importantly, Rob Peterson was again missing from the Bears sidelines. It is becoming painfully obvious that the Bears are sorely missing the cheerleading, camaraderie, and unbridled enthusiasm for the game that Peterson brings to the table with his designer drugs. Buttermaker has remained silent on the issue, but he is clearly disturbed by the absence of “Fun Bobby” as he has started drinking scotch during games.

Additionally, fans and teammates have been clamoring for team mascot Josie and owner Mike Weast to make a game, which sadly, has not occurred yet.

Bears mascot, Josie, has yet to make a game this year

Trailing the entire game, the Bears (1-2) did manage to push a few runs across in late innings, cutting the lead to 9-6 heading into the seventh inning, but that was as close as they got. Enclave extended their lead in the top of the seventh, as the Bears defense completely fell apart.

The highlights for the Bears were few, but third baseman Jeff Stewart contributed a 4-for-4 day at the plate to raise his average to .636. Stewart also did his part as a good citizen as he warned players that someone might get hurt if errant throws over the backstop continue.

Right fielder Mark Kwilosz, the early season batting average leader at .727, had a respectable 2-for-4 day and his impressive outfield defense has Buttermaker calling him “the white Lance Johnson”.

Andy Nowak only had a 1-for-4 day, but his lone hit was good for his team leading second home run of the season. He also added to his team RBI lead (6).

Nowak was forced to play second base due to substitute Mark Banaszak’s unusual contract stipulation that he “plays first base only” and “receives no bullshit from anyone”. It has been reported that Banaszak’s agent may be “The Panda”.

No double plays were turned by Nowak and shortstop Tim Pearson (1-for-4). Pearson did field multiple plays himself.

Pearson assures fans that he will really start hitting when Illinois high school basketball phenom Jon Scheyer announces his college decision.

The Bears did manage 17 hits, their highest output of the season. However, 15 of those hits were singles.

On the season, the Bears have a total of four extra-base hits. Nowak is responsible for three.

Banaszak came up with the only other extra base hit, as he tripled on his way to a magnificent 3-for-3 day, which included an RBI. Banaszak also did his best Amigos manager impersonation as he belittled players for not hitting the cutoff man.

Chris Dowsett returned from his European excursion having located his wife, and with renewed hope to regain that “’03 Daz” form, when he reigned as Bears batting champion.

Daz (1-for-3, 1 RBI) was able to contribute some offense, but defensively made a great play as he threw out an Enclave runner at third when the Bears actually thought they could still win.

Jim Stewart started his second straight game for the Bears, this time taking the hill for the absent Huber. Stewart pitched admirably and was 1-for-4 at the plate with an RBI. Stewart claims he is not trying to take over Huber’s pitching duties or post game nudity.

Outfielder Jon Branham went 2-for-4 with an RBI, but really couldn’t take advantage of a wide-open right field alley (Enclave played only three outfielders). Branham’s slow start this season has been mentioned as one of the reasons for the Bears woes.

Branham also made a horrible judgment call late in the game when he failed to catch a ball that substitute left fielder “Tanner Boyle” would have had easily. The play allowed a couple Enclave insurance runs to score.

“Boyle” mysteriously appeared with outfielder Steve Lopez. “Boyle” had a quality game (2-for-3, 2 RBI) and played a fairly flawless game in left field. Buttermaker inquired into “Boyle” perhaps subbing more regularly, but Lopez quickly escorted “Boyle” away without explanation. Reporters failed to catch up with Lopez or “Boyle” and Buttermaker was left puzzled and confused. Lopez also strangely refused to attend post game festivities at Bird’s Nest, which fueled rumors that "Boyle" is actually Batman and Lopez is Robin.

Another big reason for the Bears lack of run production is that Lopez, the Bears leadoff hitter, went 0-for-4, and is only hitting .200 so far this year. Lopez, who Buttermaker has affectionately called the “Leon” of the Bears, boldly predicted a batting championship this year, but it looks like he has some work to do.

Lopez also made some critical mistakes in the outfield, leading to several Enclave runs. Lopez cannot be blamed, though, as the Amigos were playing on the field directly behind him and he was easily distracted.

As most people know, the Amigos and Lopez have a storied history dating back to Lopez’s childhood, when he dreamed of playing one day for the Amigos. After he signed with the Bears, Lopez was called a traitor by the Amigos and the two sides battled in the press for many years. Lopez was finally exonerated by the Amigos last off-season when he bought the Amigos Supermercado a new air conditioner and helped finance a new bakery. The Amigos reportedly pushed for more money from Lopez this off-season for a new roof, but Lopez declined.

Rumors that Lopez paid off the league office to force the Amigos out of the Bears division were unsubstantiated.

One other positive is that there were no embarrassing collapses into the dirt this week by any Bears.

As always, win or lose, the Bears had a jovial gathering at the Bird’s Nest and were pleasantly surprised by the appearance of former Bear Greg Liebbe, who showed up to check in on the boys and enjoy a beverage.

If the Bears hope to go anywhere this year, the offense will have to improve. There seems to be no flow to the lineup at this point, and Buttermaker may have to start thinking about shaking things up.

Hopefully, too, the Bears regular players and “family” will return and harmony will come back to the Bears sidelines.

The boys will try to get back on track next Monday at 7:15 at the Margate Fields.

[Return to the 2005 news index]

BOX SCORE

Player	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	BB	K	SAC	BA
Lopez, Steve	4	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000
Pearson, Tim	4	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.250
Branham, Jon	4	0	2	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	.500
Nowak, Andy	4	1	1	0	0	1	1	0	0	0	.250
Stewart, Jeff	4	2	4	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	1.000
Kwilosz, Mark	4	0	2	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.500
Stewart, Jim	4	1	1	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	.250
Banaszak, Mark	3	1	3	0	1	0	1	0	0	0	1.000
Dowsett, Chris	3	1	1	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	.333
Boyle, Tanner	3	0	2	0	0	0	2	0	0	0	.667
Eby, Brian	DNP
Huber, Devin	DNP
Koch, Scott	DNP
Totals	37	7	17	0	1	1	7	0	0	0	.459

SCORE BY INNING

Team (Record)	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	Final
enclave (2-1)	3	3	1	0	1	1	3	12
Bears (1-2)	0	1	0	0	3	2	1	7

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