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Twice As Nice Bears sweep playoff doubleheader; advance to championship for second time in three years
By Gary Coleman WAVELAND PARK, CHICAGO -- As players began arriving at Waveland fields for Monday night’s opening playoff round, the Bears knew they were facing an uphill battle.
They were scheduled for a quarterfinal match with Joe’s on Broadway, and if they won that, undefeated regular season champion Freddie was waiting for a semifinal match directly following the game. With 90-plus degree temperatures hovering over the field, the Bears knew they were going to have to go through hell to get to heaven, both figuratively and literally.
Then, just before gametime, the Players League umpire declared outfielder Mark Kwilocz’s DeMarini B52 bat, known to the team as “Curtis”, was illegal for league play. Kwil had been using the bat all year and told the umpire candidly that he was “full of shit”. The umpire, however, refused to budge, and the bat was removed from the game.
On top of everything, desperate pleas sent out to team cheerleader/statistician/dealer Rob Peterson and former mascot Josie to attend the game went sadly unanswered.
Coach Buttermaker and the Bears could have simply given up at that point. With the weather, the odds and the disappointing news lined up against them, the outlook did not look promising. Instead, Buttermaker urged the Bears to concentrate, reach deep within their souls, focus, and just do it themselves.
The Bears were confused by Buttermaker’s profound words, but decided to give it their best shot anyway.
First up for the #4 seeded Bears was Joe’s on Broadway, the #5 seed and a team very similar to the Bears. Even though the Bears had beaten them earlier in the season, the Bears knew they had to get the whole lineup producing if they hoped to advance.
Doing just that, every Bear had at least one hit, collecting 23 total (all singles), as the Bears nickel and dimed their way to a 16-6 slaughter rule victory over Joe’s that was called after five innings to advance to the semifinal.
“You know how I feel about singles, but what the hell,” stated Buttermaker.
Following a short breather, it was time for a duel with perennial nemesis and #1 seeded Freddie. The Bears had lost to Freddie in the first game of the year and have a somewhat storied history with the group of Michigan grads who bring children to the games. Nowhere near the same level as the Amigos, but many Bears still harbor fierce animosity towards them as “Muck Fichigan” could be heard being whispered in the dugout.
Things did not start off well for the Bears as some shoddy defense gave Freddie a quick 6-0 lead after two innings. The Bears did not fold, though, as they roared back with five in the top of the 3rd to make it a 6-5 game.
From there, the teams traded punches like two heavyweights over the next few innings and the Bears finally took a 12-11 lead in the fifth. Freddie went quietly the rest of the way, the Bears tacked on a few more insurance runs and ended up with a shocking 16-11 upset victory to earn a date with Enclave in next week’s championship game.
“I haven’t been this happy since Unbreakable came out,” Buttermaker said.
The Bears (6-3) advance to their second championship game in three years and will also be shooting for their second title in as many years.
Enclave (8-1), the #2 seed in the tournament, knocked off Guthrie’s and Super Dudes on their way to the championship. The Bears lost to Enclave earlier this season 12-7, but were missing three regulars that day.
Third baseman Jeff Stewart carried the offense Monday night, collecting two three-run homers, good for six RBIs in the second game. Stewart ended up 4-for-7 with seven RBIs in both games to keep his average at an impressive .600.
Also leading the way was Kwil (a.k.a. “the white Forest Whitaker”), who despite not being allowed to use his bat, made quick friends with “Bohdi” as he contributed a stellar 6-for-8 day. He now leads in regular season and playoff cumulative average with a sparkling .607 clip. Kwil is optimistic he will be allowed to use “Curtis” in the championship game.
“Violence is not in my nature, but the umpire was sadly mistaken,” Kwil stated angrily. “If it happens again, I may have to bring my good friend, Mr. AK-47 with me next time.”
Kwil was later informed firearms are also not allowed in league play.
Pitcher Devin Huber continued his superb season with a great all around game - pitching, fielding, and covering first base beautifully on a couple of plays. He was also 5-for-8 with four RBIs at the plate. Huber raised his average to .520 and appears to be a lock to win the $50 bet with Steve Lopez on higher cumulative batting average.
Lopez had an equally impressive day at the plate with a 5-for-7, three RBI night to give himself a .469 average heading into the final game. He refuses to concede the bet yet, though, pointing out that it is still mathematically possible for him to win.
Lopez may also be in trouble with the $50 pull up bet, as he admitted he could only do eight in a private attempt last week. He had earlier claimed he could do thirteen.
Huber, nude after the game, laughed when he heard the news, claiming it’ll be the easiest $100 he’s made since the ’99 Pro Bowl.
Catcher Chris “Daz” Dowsett picked the right time to return to “’03 Daz” form as he went 3-for-5, two walks, two RBIs. His average jumped to .421. Later he confessed he picked the wrong time to quit sniffing glue.
Outfielder Jon Branham also looked a little more like he did in his glory year of ’04 with a 6-for-9 evening, leaving him with a .441 average. He also made a couple of nice plays defensively and gave credit to a colorful pair of underwear he wore for good luck, in the spirit of former Bear Bob Govoni, whose turquoise undies created a stir a few years ago.
Outfielder Brian Eby (2-for-5) had a couple of big hits and four critical RBIs to go with two walks. Eby finds himself with a .444 average heading into the championship. Eby did need a replacement runner on a couple of occasions as he hamstring flared up a bit, but he assures everyone the pain is minimal and will not affect him for the next game.
“Hamstring pain and hemorrhoid pain are two different animals,” Eby explained.
First baseman Andy Nowak also was 2-for-5 with five vital RBIs for the Bears. Nowak has a .414 average, and his 17 RBIs currently lead the team. Nowak spoke of the diversity of the Bears.
“It’s like a circus, everyone performs a different role,” Nowak noted. “For example, I would be the lion, Koch would be the clown, and Lopez would work concessions.”
Second baseman Scott “the Scooter” Koch was 3-for-8 with 3 big RBIs and included the only other extra base hit in the doubleheader besides Stewart (a double).
Koch vocally let everyone within a quarter mile radius know that he was not pleased when outfielders Lopez and Kwil collided and failed to catch a routine fly ball early in the second game. His crass language upset some of Freddie’s players as he failed to tell Freddie’s kids: “earmuffs”.
Shortstop Tim Pearson added to the offensive explosion by going 4-for-5 with three walks and two RBIs. Pearson brought his average up to .462 and continues to feel more confident at the plate as two Illini were drafted in the first round of the NBA draft.
The Bears celebrated their two wins and championship berth at the Bird’s Nest as drink flowed, laughter echoed, and some Bears enjoyed a game of darts on a malfunctioning dartboard.
It has been an up and down season for the Bears. From a 1-2 start to the season to the championship game, it’s been nothing short of a whirlwind in-between. Another championship would solidify the team’s legacy, Buttermaker’s managerial skills, and make for endless reminiscing for years to come.
But just making it this far is an accomplishment in itself and the Bears should be proud. Monday’s doubleheader sweep with it all on the line will go down in Bears lore as one of the greatest performances in team history.
Surely, the Bears will give it their best next week, and it appears it will be a great game. But whatever happens, here’s to the ’05 Bears and what they will be remembered as – winners.
[Return to the 2005 news index]
DISCLAIMER: These articles are not actually written by the persons labeled, rather, the names of these well known Chicago sports personalities are used for pure entertainment value by the actual authors. Please email me with any concerns. This site is brought to you by Coach Morris Buttermaker, 
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