June 13, 2005

Bears Limp Into Playoffs

Regular season ends with disappointing loss to Super Dudes; Peterson missing again

By Harry Ellis

MARGATE PARK, CHICAGO -- When Rob Peterson returned to the Bears sidelines a few weeks ago after a prolonged absence, many thought the Bears season was saved. Peterson’s magical aura inspired the Bears to a win that day, and three in a row heading into Monday night’s regular season finale.

Unfortunately, it looks like Peterson’s magic has worn off since his appearance that day, and the Bears may in need of another appearance before the playoffs begin.

In a game the Bears (4-3) clearly should have won, the team’s abysmal offense could not overcome one bad inning of defense in a 5-4 loss to the Super Dudes (6-1).

Leading the Bears in futility was outfielder Jon Branham whose season long struggle continued, as he struck out for the first time in his previously illustrious career while going 1-for-4.

Branham finished with a .360 season average, by far the lowest of his career, and a far cry from his well documented .722 average from a year ago. Branham was asked if he doesn’t try hard anymore on offense.

“The hell I don’t,” Branham stated. “I’ve been hearing that crap ever since UCLA. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up the court for 48 minutes.”

But Branham was not the only Bear to blame Monday night. The Super Dudes scored all five of their runs in the third inning as several Bears committed ridiculous fielding and throwing errors.

Coach Buttermaker called the Bears defense “piss for one inning, otherwise champagne”, and said the offense made him feel like he had “diarrhea all game”.

The Bears managed only nine hits in the game, none for extra bases.

“Nine singles?” Buttermaker said, “This is fucking slow pitch softball!”

Peterson, meanwhile, has gone missing again since he emerged like a dream that beautiful day a few weeks ago. Peterson, the former Bears outfielder turned cheerleader/statistician/drug dealer, has not been heard from or seen since leaving the Bird’s Nest following the Bear’s victory over Guthrie’s Tavern on May 16th.

It should also be noted that team mascot Josie and owner Mike Weast have also failed to attend a game this year. They could not be reached for comment, but again, it is rumored they have switched allegiances and are now “mascot-ing” for the Amigos.

Lost in the disappointing game was the fine regular season had by pitcher Devin Huber. Huber (3-2, 7.21) was impressive on the hill, giving up only five runs. More impressively, however, is that he seems to have finally found some pop in his unorthodox batting style. His 1-for-3 day ended his regular season with a .471 average, good for fourth on the team, and well above his career average.

Huber acknowledges that a bet with outfielder Steve Lopez has added some incentive to improve his performance at the plate.

“Lopez failed to realize that gambling is the way to my heart,” offered a nude Huber from the Bears locker room later.

Huber and Lopez apparently wagered $50 on who would finish with a better batting average on the season. Lopez has adamantly pointed out that the bet includes playoff at-bats, not just regular season. Still, Huber appears to have the advantage at this point as Lopez (also 1-for-3 on the day) has only a.400 average.

Lopez is making up for the anticipated loss by also betting Huber $50 that he can do 13 consecutive pull-ups. Lopez is also willing to bet anyone that he can beat them in a mile run.

First baseman Andy Nowak and Lopez shared the home run crown with two homers apiece. Nowak also took the RBI title with 12. Nowak went hitless in the game and finished the season at .417. Nowak claims “Bohdi”, his famous bat, historically doesn’t warm up until the summer solstice passes. Fortunately for the Bears, that date will occur before the playoffs begin.

Nowak refused to answer questions about his recent rumored alignment with agent Sai Nair, a close acquaintance of his former agent, “The Panda”, and alleged member of the Asian Dawn Movement.

Sorely missed the past few games has been Jeff Stewart, who did end up leading the team with a .611 batting average. The Bears desperately need Stewart to be available for the playoffs if they hope to advance.

“We could use him (Stewart) for sure,” Buttermaker stated. “If he doesn’t play, I may as well join the Asian Dawn Movement.”

Outfielder Brian Eby finally seems to be at full speed in the outfield and on the bases after suffering from his recurring hamstring injury most of the year. Eby went 2-for-3 at the plate and finished with a respectable .462 average.

Eby added his hemorrhoid is fine and his rectum has been “purring like a kitten”.

Second baseman Scott “the Scooter” Koch went 2-for-3, finishing the season with a healthy .529 average, his best as a Bear, and good for third on the team. Even with a gimpy wrist suffered in action last week, he helped turn the first double play of the season with substitute third baseman Brian “Zeb” Zdeblick. It was one of two highlights of the game for the Bears.

The only other real highlight of the game came when catcher Tanner Boyle (filling in for Chris “Daz” Dowsett) applied a tag on a throw from Branham to nail an opposing runner at the plate late in the game. The Bears, unfortunately, could not capitalize on either play.

Boyle went 1-for-2 and hit .600 in four games for the Bears. Buttermaker stated he appreciated Boyle’s commitment and that it would be nice to start calling him by his real name eventually.

Further good news is that shortstop Tim Pearson seems to be fully recovered from his leg injury after getting hit by a batted ball a few weeks ago. Although he also went 0-for-3 at the plate and finished with a somewhat disappointing .381 average, Pearson remains optimistic.

“Well, Dee (Brown) is coming back and we got a couple of quality recruits who verballed, so I think everything’s going to be ok,” Pearson stated.

Outfielder Mark “Kwil” Kwilosz returned from an unnecessary business trip to Detroit and went 1-for-3, finishing his first complete Bears season with a .550 average, good for second on the team.

Kwil, often referred to as “the white Reginald Vel Johnson” believes the Bears need some churching up before the playoffs begin.

Kwil insisted the Bears “slide on down to the Triple Rock” after the game, but was informed it was a fictional location.

Instead of the church, the Bears headed over to Bird’s Nest to drink away the loss and focus on the future. While there, Kwil entertained the crew with another tale of “Alley Romance”.

The Bears will have a week off to think about things and prepare for the playoffs. The Bears 4-3 record was good for the #4 seed, and the Bears will face #5 Joe’s on Broadway (also 4-3) in the quarterfinals. The Bears defeated Joe’s earlier this season 11-7.

The winner will likely face regular season champion and #1 seed Freddie in the semifinals. Freddie finished the regular season 7-0 and beat the Bears 11-5 in the first game of the season (in a shortened game).

It is hard to tell, as usual, which Bears team will show up for the playoffs. But perhaps with some Peterson magic, Josie, a full squad, and a little inspiration, the Bears can make it happen. They have done it before. Hopefully they can do it again.

[Return to the 2005 news index]

BOX SCORE

Player	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	BB	K	SAC	BA
Lopez, Steve	3	1	1	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	.333
Eby, Brian	4	0	2	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.500
Koch, Scott	3	1	2	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	.667
Branham, Jon	4	1	1	0	0	0	1	0	1	0	.250
Nowak, Andy	2	0	0	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	.000
Kwilosz, Mark	3	1	1	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	.333
Pearson, Tim	3	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000
Huber, Devin	3	0	1	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	.333
Boyle, Tanner	2	0	1	0	0	0	1	1	0	0	.500
Zdeblick, Brian	3	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000
Dowsett, Chris	DNP
Stewart, Jeff	DNP
Totals	30	4	9	0	0	0	4	4	1	0	.300

SCORE BY INNING

Team (Record)	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	Final
Bears (4-3)	1	0	0	3	0	0	0	4
Super Dudes (6-1)	0	0	5	0	0	0	0	5

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