BEARS FEATURE ARTICLES

• Playoff Fever: Late inning heroics lift Bears (June 24)
• One for "White Shoes": Bears win season finale to finish 6-1 (June 17)
• Back on Track: Bears Maul BALLAHOLICS (June 10)
• Bears Tamed by Team of Individuals (June 3)
• Soiled Rosenberg Slaughtered: Bears now 4-0! (May 20)
• Bear Bats Alive!: Team Runs Unbeaten Streak to Three (May 13)
• Just Bear-ly!: Bears Hang on for Second Win (May 6)
• Bears Bats Emerge From Hibernation in Opening Day Victory (April 29)
• Liebbe Retires, Bears Left with Questions (April 20)

June 24, 2001

Playoff Fever!

Late inning heroics lift Bears.

by Les Grobstein

CHICAGO -- Many clichés could be used to describe the Bears' first round playoff game: "It's not over 'til the fat lady sings." - unknown; "It ain't over 'til it's over." - Lenny Kravitz; "Don't give up, don't ever give up." - Jimmy Valvano; "Iz dun wen I sez iz dun." - nameless bum; "Don't stop, you're not done yet big boy." - Jenna Jameson. Whichever one you like is fine, because they all apply.

Heading into the bottom of the seventh inning trailing Kendall's Bar 14-8, the Bears were three outs away from only their second loss of the season, and more importantly, being eliminated from the playoffs. As Bears' player/coach Morris Buttermaker (Tim Pearson) stepped up to the plate to lead off the inning, he became the first coach in slow pitch softball history to employ strategy to win a game.

"I told the guys we needed base runners, and lots of them," Buttermaker explained, "and I knew the pitcher had the poise and composure of a schizophrenic at a porn convention. So I told everyone to take until he throws you a strike."

The strategy worked, as Bears' batters drew five walks from Kendall's pitcher I.P. Freely, who had previously walked none in six innings of work. After leading off the inning with a walk, Pearson was forced out at second on a Bob Govoni grounder. Jon Branham then promptly roped a base hit to put two runners on, which was followed by a walk to Brian Hofmann to load the bases. That brought the self-proclaimed hottest hitter Oscar Cantu to the plate, and after taking his first strike he made his point with a clutch single to drive in two runs.

"What can I say, I've got the hottest bat in all of softball right now," Cantu said. "I knew I was going to get the hit." Once on first base, Cantu was rumored to have claimed he was the best base runner in all of softball. This rumor has yet to be confirmed.

Chris Dowsett followed Cantu with another walk to once again load the bases, paving the way for an RBI single by former Bear and current Bear sub Mike Babich to bring the Bears within three.

"I love helping my former teammates out," touted Babich, "I'm just glad they didn't make me wear those awful yellow shirts. Anyone going to Lush after the game?"

After a Devin Huber pop out, Bears Steve Lopez and Andy Nowak both forced Freely into full count walks to cut the deficit to two and one respectively. Lopez seemed to be taunting the pitcher into throwing balls.

"He was rattled and I knew it. I had to take advantage of that, I had to be that Bear with the big f*#@ing claws pouncing on that little vulnerable bunny rabbit...a big Bear...Grrrrrrr!" commented Lopez.

With the tying run on third base and the winning run on second, Bears' skipper Pearson came to the plate for the second time in the inning.

"I followed the strategy, hoping he would walk in the tying run to bring up the regular season MVP Bob-O (Govoni). I wanted to see that match up," Buttermaker said, "but that dude threw two strikes to me, so I had to swing."

And swing he did, lining a base hit over the shortstop's head bringing in Babich to tie the game and Lopez to try and win the game. The left fielder's throw was right on target, but the ever-elusive Lopez managed to slide into home untouched.

"I was going to run him (the catcher) over. Remember that 'Bear' thing I was talking about?" asked Lopez, "But I didn't need to, I just slid right through the tag."

The comeback victory is further proof of the Bears' determination to win a title, and will go down in history as one of the greatest comebacks in Grant Park history.

Bears' pitcher Devin Huber, who had a clutch two run single in the third inning, offered his thoughts on the game, "Wow, what a game! And to think I almost missed it because I showed up one minute before game time!"

Shortstop Govoni continued his offensive attack on Bears' opponents by ripping his 10th homer of the season, and continued his post game tradition of removing his protective cup in public after the game.

"I had to breathe a sigh of relief after a game like that, and not just from my lungs." Govoni stated.

Bears' first baseman Andy Nowak kept the Bears in the game with his solid defense to go along with his RBI base on balls in the seventh.

"I like to contribute any way I can," Nowak said, "especially when we play a team of a-holes like this team today. Who are they to think they can coast through the last inning to beat us? I was forced to inflict the curse of the tiki bar on their asses."

Bears' outfielders Lopez, Branham, Hofmann, and Dowsett kept Kendall's base runners in check all afternoon, daring the runners to try and take that extra base on them.

Branham, who gunned down a potential Kendall's run at third base in the fifth inning, had this to say about the victory, "You could definitely feel the playoff atmosphere today, and what a way to do it. I haven’t felt like this since our Frats-at-Bat championship in college. Not only was I glad we advanced, but I had fifty bucks on us to win the game. Anyone know the line on the next round?"

Lakers by 6, Jon, Lakers by 6.

Hofmann and Dowsett, although nearly colliding on a fly ball early in the game, also played a stellar outfield. "This had to be the second best moment of the summer for me," Hofmann said. "It would have been the first if I hadn’t gone to see Vince Neil earlier this summer. But this is definitely second best."

Dowsett was just happy because the Bears survived another week, allowing him to continue chugging beers. "I've got a niche on this team, and I can't disappoint. If we don't win, I don't chug. And if I don't chug,...aww what's the difference, it was fun anyway."

The Bears should continue their playoff run with the confidence needed to win the title, and this come from behind victory will serve as motivation any time they find themselves in a hole. Just ask the fat lady, she's singing right now at Kendall's.

NOTES: There are no games this Sunday, July 1, or next Sunday, July 8, due to the Taste of Chicago...Usual left fielder Brian Eby missed the game citing personal reasons, he was reportedly seen at Wrigley Field urinating in the bleachers...the Bears will continue to stay sharp with weekend practices at North Avenue, times are TBD...With a crowd of two on hand to witness the victory, the season attendance total jumped to 27.

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June 17, 2001

One for "White Shoes"

Bears hold on to win regular season finale; dedicate season to beloved beat writer.

by Howard Sudberry and Mark Giangreco collaborating with Dan Roan, Rich King, and Brad Palmer

CHICAGO -- As news dawned Sunday morning that the Bears had lost Timmy “White Shoes” Weigel, their Tribune beat writer since the Bears inaugural season, many of the Bear players were visibly emotional. Weigel had been a part of the Bears “inner circle” for the past two seasons, travelling with the team, attending every game and practice, and joining the team socially.

“We’ll be dedicating the rest of our season to ‘White Shoes’,” Bear Oscar Cantu read from a prepared statement. “We considered him a friend and a Bear.”

There was, however, still a game to be played Sunday, and a big one at that. The Bears were playing in the regular season finale, and were looking to close their sophomore season with a surprising 6-1 record.

The Bears nearly shot themselves in the foot before the game, as the team strangely ganged up on an unassuming umpire, bitching about where league tee shirts were going to be picked up. Some Bears were afraid the outburst would have impacts on the Ump’s calls of balls and strikes. Luckily, the Ump was a hippie, and the Bear comments did not affect him.

Looking also to ride a wave of momentum into the playoffs, the Bears found themselves in a struggle early, as the Bears and the Carpetbaggers were locked in a 3-3 tie into the third inning.

“We couldn’t get our bats going, so I told the guys to pick up the slack, and reminded them these guys had only won one game. That seemed to be the juice I, excuse me, we needed to get going,” Bear Bob Govoni stated.

Govoni led the Bears on a hit parade in the fourth, slamming his record eighth home run of the year, and adding to his record RBI total (24) as well. By the end of the inning, the Bears had themselves a seemingly comfortable lead.

The Bears held that lead into the last inning, when suddenly, with two outs, the Carpetbagger bats came to life. Stringing together a wealth of extra base hits, the Carpetbaggers found themselves inexplicably down only one, with the tying and winning runs on base. Bear fans braced for disaster.

“It looked pretty grim at that point,” Coach Buttermaker acknowledged later. “I needed a Budweiser to take the edge off a little bit. I even told (starting pitcher) Devin to apply a little Vaseline to the ball if he wanted, but luckily we didn’t have to resort to below-the-belt-type tactics.”

The luck Buttermaker was referring to was a lazy pop fly hit into left centerfield that Jon Branham corralled to end the threat, and give the Bears their sixth win in seven tries this season, and that ever important momentum heading into the first round of the playoffs next Sunday.

“It’s been an amazing year so far. We just have to keep it going. Now it’s for “White Shoes” too. It was a shame for him to go so suddenly like that,” a morose Branham summarized later.

It should be noted that the Bears turned in perhaps their strongest defensive outing of the year. Infielders Govoni and Tim Pearson (Buttermaker) overcame early errors to shut down the Carpetbaggers attacks in the middle innings. Govoni then turned his second unassisted double play of the season to kill a rally in the 5th. Also contributing solid defensively was the right side of the infield, as rookie Andy Nowak continued his exceptional play since being moved to first base, saving an errant Govoni throw with a beautiful scoop. Second baseman Oscar Cantu also handled everything hit his way, and is heating up at the right time offensively with a multi-hit performance Sunday. Cantu raised his season average above the Mendoza line, ending the regular season at a respectable .294 clip.

“I knew that bat would come around sooner or later, and finally I’m getting into a groove,” Cantu, who has been plagued by injuries all season, replied in a post game interview. “I’m starting to feel really healthy again, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.”

Another Bear who broke out of a streak of pop-ups was Steve Lopez. Lopez had been struggling at the plate of late, and after a word of advice from Branham, adjusted his swing and hit two hard ground balls through the infield for two base hits.

“Jonny told me to keep my shoulder in, and that’s really all it took,” Lopez said. “That’s the thing with this team. Everyone’s looking out for each other, picking each other up. What a difference a year makes.”

Lopez was referring to the Bears 2000 season when finger pointing and name calling was a common occurrence on game days and in late night conversations, that often turned into shouting matches, and sometimes turned physical. Those Bears were knocked out in the first round of the playoffs, a fate the Bears hope to avoid this year.

“There’s no doubt in my mind we’re capable of winning it all. We’ve been proving it all year, and we really bounced back well after that one loss,” pitcher Devin Huber added. “It was nice seeing Weselak at the game too. It would be great to other Acacia alums in the playoffs. That would really be something.”

Acacia alum Tim Weselak was seen in the stands scouting the Bears for the playoffs. Weselak plays for the other team of Acacia alums and was sent to scout as word of the Bears success has been spreading like wildfire. Weselak was also clearly upset at the lack of attendance at his KingsHighway shows by the Bears.

“I’m sorry, I can’t take Weselak on stage seriously,” confessed Huber.

Outfielder Brian Eby agreed.

“I hate getting those emails about the shows. I mean, am I supposed to drop everything every weekend and become a groupie?" Eby replied. "By the way, anyone want to go see Underwater People this weekend?"

Eby was another bright spot for the Bears on offense and defense, as was rightfielder Chris Dowsett, proving that this Bears team is not just skin deep. Dowsett was entertained by the pre-game festivities that included an at-bat by Barbie, an attractive blonde who’s attempting to audition for one of those popular television programs.

“What can I say,” exclaimed a jovial Dowsett. “I like watching women do two things. One of ‘em is playing with balls.”

Dowsett did not say what the second ‘like’ was. Dowsett also hit into the first double play turned against the Bears this season. Dowsett refused comment of the incident.

Rounding out the performances Sunday, we can’t forget the contributions of Weast. Subbing whenever needed, and often getting stuck behind the plate, Weast has only been a positive in the Bears miracle season.

“I’m just happy to get out there and help the team, and show Daz that I am still better than him. Hitting .667 doesn’t hurt either, but I’m not one to toot my own horn,” Weast said. Weast is indeed hitting .667 in limited action.

Regardless, Coach Buttermaker has to be proud of his team’s accomplishments in only their second season together.

“Who knew?” Buttermaker surmised later Sunday evening.

And let’s not forget that on this Father’s Day, Andy Nowak II saw Andy Nowak III hit one of the best balls hit all season by a Bear. Sadly, the ball ended up in the Carpetbaggers’ left fielder’s glove, but he was playing deep.

“You guys got a good squad,” Andy II deduced after enjoying the game. “One of my team’s from the early 60s would have whipped you, but there was better talent in those days.”

Maybe Timmy “White Shoes” was watching from above, and maybe along with Harry Caray up there in baseball (and softball) heaven, those two Bear lovers are going to help pull some strings to get this Bear team the ultimate prize. At this point, anything is possible, and these Bears are making it seem, dare I say, probable.

NOTES: Bears are being encouraged by fans to paint their shoes white for the playoffs in honor of “White Shoes”…for the record, Bears Branham and Pearson are still working out the details of Bear Lopez’s bachelor party…Bear’s are 2-1 in the new Bears uniforms…Bear Bob Govoni led the team in nearly every offensive category, so it seems useless to list final regular season stats…don’t let it get to your head Bob-o…Nowak and Huber both shared the team lead in strikeouts, however…thanks to the Bears who made it out for Bear Nowak’s 22nd birthday party Friday night...And finally, good luck to all single Bears trying to get some action this summer. Even the desert needs a little rain once in a while.

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June 10, 2001

Back on Track

Bears Maul BALLAHOLICS

CHICAGO -- One week after the Bears' winning streak was snapped by the Indiviual Team 19-5, the Bears got back on the winning track with a victory over the BALLAHOLICS 16-7 to improve their record to 5-1. The team, concerned about the early 11am start, showed up with a determination that had been missing the previous week. The refocused Bears rested all notions of a possible losing streak with a six run fifth inning, and never looked back. They now look poised for a title run now that the monkey of being undefeated is off their backs and their confidence has returned. It should be a fun ride.

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June 3, 2001

Bears Tamed by Team of Individuals

CHICAGO -- There’s a first for everything. This Sunday’s 19-5 loss was the first of the season for the Bears, and knocked their record to 4-1. The loss left the team and Coach Buttermaker puzzled and searching for answers.

“I don’t know what happened out there,” Buttermaker said. “They kicked our asses!”

The Bears came into the game confident, riding the wave of 4 consecutive victories to start the season, but then they ran into a team full of random people, a melting pot of sorts, full of misfits and loners, and the rust from the all-star break reared it's ugly head.

“I was looking at them before the game, and they looked like a team composed of everyone who didn’t get picked for kickball in second grade,” a disgruntled Jon Branham offered. “I thought we would kill ‘em.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, rumor has it the team’s third baseman was actually Kansas City Royal Rey Sanchez.

“It dawned on me that it was him in the fourth inning when I noticed he was wearing a full KC uniform with ‘Sanchez’ on the back,” Bears outfielder Chris Dowsett added. Dowsett then proceeded to hold his hand up to his forehead making the shape of an “L” and torted, “What a loser!”

In a game lacking highlights, the lone Bear bright spot was pitcher Devin “Desert Fox” Huber, who struck out a team and league high 5 batters.

“What can I say, I had my good stuff today,” replied Huber, “but off the record, I had the help of a little Crisco and Vaseline if you know what I’m talking about.”

Regardless of the use of illegal substances the Bears must regroup next week as they face their archenemy, the BALLAHOLICS.

Bear outfielder Steve Lopez added this final note, “We’ll move on. Our goal of a championship season is still in our minds and we’ll move on, oh yes, we will move on.”

NOTES: Only one note this week; along with the snapped winning streak, so was shortstop Bob Govoni’s streak of games with a home run. Get ‘em next time Bob-O.

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May 20, 2001

Soiled Rosenberg Slaughtered

Bears now 4-0!

CHICAGO -- During a spring training conversation with Bears manager, Coach Buttermaker, he made it clear that he wanted to set the tone for the season in the four games prior to the Memorial Day All-Star break, and with an uninspiring 10-0 slaughter-rule shortened 5 inning win over the ever "Soiled Rosenberg", he finds his team undefeated and sitting atop the Grant Park League standings with 4 wins opposite their 0 losses.

"I knew we had the makings of a stellar team," Buttermaker stated after the Bears' most recent victory, "but to head into the All-Star break at 4-0 is what everyone expected, and we would be disappointed with anything else. Would you hand me that last Lowen Brau over there?"

Buttermaker has had the help of probable All-Star starting shortstop Bob Govoni and probable starter Devin Huber. Govoni continued his streak of consecutive games with a homer, and his streak of post-game athletic cup removals in public on Sunday. He has now increased his league leading home run total to 6 and his league leading RBI total to 17.

"I don't care about personal stats," Govoni remarked, "but the Soiled Rosen-Rosens really sucked, so I didn't see anything wrong with trying for home runs. Plus I almost took their pitcher's head off with a line drive! Twice! Man that felt great!"

Huber brought his league best record to 4-0 with his first career shutout, and was so happy about it, he was reportedly seen streaking across the diamond singing O' Canada.

Huber's shutout was held in tact thanks to an impressive defensive display by the Bears outfielders, Brian Eby, Jon Branham, Steve Lopez, and Chris Dowsett, who was making his first start in the outfield. Dowsett nearly made a spectacular diving catch in foul territory. Rumor has it he was offered a beer for every dive attempted. Nice work Daz.

Branham was asked about his defensive show, and had this to say, "I wasn't hitting the ball well, but I have to help the team in some capacity, and by all means, if that means me making that tough catch, then for dog-gone-gone, I'll do it."

With the offense seemingly absent the first three innings, putting some members of the capacity crowd of 7 into a hypnotic trance heading into the fourth inning, the Bears finally managed to take advantage of the Soiled Rosen-Penis pitcher and put the game out of reach, drawing three walks to load the bases, followed by a bases clearing triple by player/manager Tim Pearson.

"Only scoring three runs in the first three innings against Soiled Rosen was pathetic," Bears outfielder Lopez remarked. "We needed that big hit so we could start watching all of the chicks playing on the other fields. Where's the records room?"

Though the game lacked inspiration, a source of inspiration was still apparent with Bear Oscar Cantu. Nearly grounded with a bad knee, Cantu exemplified the courage and camaraderie of this team by offering his limited services as a catcher.

"I strained some ligaments trying to kick Lopez's ass last night," Oscar explained, " It would've never happened had he not sold me out, that little prick."

With team chemistry like that, it's no surprise to this beat writer that the Bears are undefeated. And if things continue in the same manner, and everything seems to point in that direction, it looks like the Bears will have a legitimate reason to go boozin' after a championship season in '01.

NOTES: No games are scheduled on Sunday, May 27, due to the Memorial Day All-Star break, therefore the Bears next game is June 3 at 4pm against Ind-15, a team comprised of individuals without a team affiliation. The following week will test the Bears' will power as they take on their fiercest rival, the BALLAHOLICS (Ray Lankford's team) at 11am, their only game before noon.

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May 13, 2001

Bear Bats Alive!

Team Runs Unbeaten Streak to Three.

by Timmy "White Shoes" Wiegel

CHICAGO -- Every weekend, especially on Mother's Day weekend, there's always a question of whether the Bears will have enough players to field a team. Early in the week, it was clear that the Bears would be reduced to a skeleton crew. That said, the remaining Bears still seemed somewhat confident on their chances of another win in the Windy City Softball League as gameday approached. However, late breaking events (go figure) caused a stir in the Bears camp just hours before gametime Sunday. In late breaking news, it was reported the Bear Brian Hofmann would be unable to play. This followed on the heels of the news that Coach Buttermaker, Tim Pearson, would not be returning from the Quad Cities for the game and that Bear substitute Brad Hughes would not be attending either. With already one sub in the form of "Big Mike" Weast, the Bears found themselves reduced to seven position players, many of whom were suffering from alcohol related fatigue. A few of the "sick" Bears expressed desire not to play, while others simply seemed in no shape to play. Just minutes before gametime, it looked as though the Bears were going to be forced to forfeit.

It got so bad, it was reported that Bear Bob Govoni announced to teammates in route to the field that he "would not be bringing his A game or his B game."

But just as things seemed the absolute worst, a Bear miracle occurred. Former floor hockey Bear, Monte Huber, brother of starting pitcher Devin Huber, was rustled out of bed and made it to the field moments before the first pitch. With "Lippman's Mom" (the opposing team) feeling unusually generous by offering the services of their catcher, the Bears suddenly found themselves with nine, and ready to play.

After a shaky first inning, the Bears showed that once they are on the field, they are a force to be reckoned with. The Bears hit an unprecedented six home runs, had 37 hits, and abused Lippman's Mom, Vegas-style, 25-11 on a lovely Mother's Day afternoon. Yes, the Bears scored 25 runs, folks.

"The Bear Lumber Company!" joked Bear Steve Lopez amidst the explosion, to the delighted laughter of several Bear players. "25 runs, I can hardly believe it myself. And to think that I thought these guys were on drugs last night."

Lopez was referring to the rumor that many of the Bears were out late the previous evening, commiserating at a Polish club on the west side, a favorite haunt of Bear Bob Govoni and Andy Nowak. Ironically, Govoni and Nowak were the primary juice behind the Bear hit parade. Govoni ended the day with two homers, a debated third that was scored an error, and a smile on his face.

"What can I say, I'm like Mantle. Party all night, homer all day," stated a confident Govoni, who continued his homer streak as well as the post-game procedure of removing his cup from his jock in public. "I think I might need a new one of these (cup), though, it's getting a little snug down there," a pensive Govoni indicated, as he smoked a Camel. "Smoke 'em if you got 'em. I'm off to Joliet."

Nowak responded to his chance to bat in the three spot like a cat to catnip, as he continued to increase his chances on becoming the first Bear to win Rookie of the Year honors, hitting his first homer of the year, nestled between an outstanding 4 hit performance.

"Hopefully the coaches take notice, but I'm not lobbying," taking a drag from his Marlboro Ultra Light Menthol. "I love the taste of a good smoke after a game, but seriously, what a game today. Everyone produced, I felt great at the plate, and the Bears won. All hungover too. That's Polish Pride."

Speaking of everyone producing, even the Huber brothers gave a performance worthy of mention, as both Devin and Monte homered for the victorious Bears, showing that anything can happen on a given day. Devin, after a rough first inning, settled down and bent over Lippman's Mom the rest of the afternoon. He also lived up to his nickname as the "desert fox", sliding on a bang-bang play at third, and running down an opponent at the plate, saving a run from scoring. Devin, who wore khakis for the game, had this to say later.

"I had to go directly to brunch after the game, so I had to wear the khakis, but that's not going to stop me from giving 100% out there. I had to show that bitch who was boss," Huber stated.

But what about the homer Dev?

"The coaches tell me to swing the bat and things will happen," Huber stated from a post-game bath complete with candles, Journey music, and a bottle of wine. "But despite the output, I'm getting straight back to the cages this week. You can't take anything for granted in this game. Especially if you're Canadian. You have to work that much harder than your American counterparts."

And how about sub "Big Mike" Weast. Weast finished the day 5 for 6, and contributed flawless defense at third.

"I'm just happy to contribute. I mean, what can I say, it's been a great weekend for the Bears and the Cardinals. Beer me, Daz," Weast matter-of-factly stated. "And please, call me Weast."

The Bears defense overall left a little something to be desired. Though the plentiful hit barrage left ample room for error, there were several miscues that cannot be tolerated if the Bears expect to advance in the playoffs. One of the main culprits of this was centerfielder Jon Branham who uncharacteristically dropped a lazy pop fly and winged a ball meant for second well over the heads of Chris Dowsett at second and Andy Nowak at first.

"It won't happen again. I'll be sure to drink next Saturday," kidded Branham, who along with Bear Lopez surprisingly abstained from alcohol the previous evening.

But the Bears showed they have interchangeable parts as well. Nowak faired very well in his first game at first base while Dowsett showed exceptional range and prowess at second, and showed he has the stick to match, as he ended the day with a multi-hit performance.

"Whatever I can do to help the team, that's been my motto all along," remarked Dowsett ("Daz" to the team). "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to chug a beer, go home, and watch Fletch. Pederass Hanerhann."

Monte Huber seemed to sum up the fortune of the Bears this season.

"I haven't picked up a baseball bat in ten years, and I hit one out. Fantastic," Monte mentioned later from his north side apartment. "It reminds me of the old hockey days. The glory days. Just getting the job done, doing it with what you got, with or without a full lineup or the necessary equipment, never complaining. That's a Bears squad."

Confidence is rising among the Bears. In what appeared to be an absolute fiasco, the Bears pull together for their strongest offensive performance in years. Of course, it's a long season, and many claim the Bears were helped by a piss poor Lippman's Mom's outfield, but a win is a win, and the Bears seem to be getting used to that feeling.

Notes: Bear Bob Govoni turned the first unassisted double-play of the season….the Bears recorded records for hits (37), runs (25), and home runs (6) in the game. The previous records of 19, 14, and 2 were obviously shattered…the Bears encourage girlfriends, ladyfriends, Kim Melton, or casual hookups to come to the games…early Bear leaders in offensive categories: Runs - Branham (9); Hits - four tied with 7; Home Runs - Govoni (5); RBI - Govoni (14); Batting Average - Nowak (.636); Chugged Beers - Daz (2); Fall-Downs - Nowak (2)…the Bears go for four in a row next Sunday at 4 PM versus Soiled Rosenberg…team ownership is advocating the use of jock straps for all Bears in a promotional scheme based on the performance of Govoni and his ability to attract women…the Bears game will not be televised this weekend so get on out there and support your Bears….Lippman's Mom was calculated as a "1" on the binary scale.

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May 6, 2001

Just Bear-ly!

Bears Hang on for Second Win

by Timmy "White Shoes" Wiegel

CHICAGO -- They say that all’s well that ends well. That seemed to be an appropriate adage Sunday for the Bears, who took an 8-3 lead into the 7th, only to watch in horror as Team McDonald rallied to close the gap to 8-7 with two outs. With the tying run on second, shortstop Bob Govoni avoided a collision with second baseman Andy Nowak and pulled in a short outfield popup to give the Bears their second straight win of the young season and a perfect 2-0 record in the Windy City Softball League.

It appeared the game was in the bag moments earlier as the Bears bats came alive in the bottom of the sixth inning as they opened up what was a pitcher’s duel for most of the game. The Bears batted around in the inning and received contributions from just about everyone in the lineup. The big blow came courtesy of defensive hero Govoni, who absolutely crushed a hanging breaking ball into the deepest part of the ballpark well over the centerfielder’s head.

“I really felt I got all of that one,” an elated Govoni reacted after the game. “It was just one of those things where the dude hung me one and I knew instantly that I was going to hammer the piss out of it. I get off on that.”

“Excuse me, I’ve got to get this (supportive) cup out.” Govoni added, referring to his post-game ritual of removing his cup from his jock in public.

Govoni refused to comment on his signature turquoise underwear.

Other offensive heroes included first year man Andy Nowak who drove what would prove to be the winning runs for the Bears soon after Govoni’s shot. Unfortunately, Nowak’s blast, which also cleared the centerfielder’s head, only could be marked as a single for the young Elmhurst native. He took a nasty spill near home plate after connecting, giving uproarious laughter to the fans of Team McDonald, who incidentally referred to Nowak all game as ‘the guy in the funny hat’. It should be noted that Nowak wears an assortment of colorful visors.

Ironically, no Bear saw the accident, supplying yet another argument to the question of if a tree falls in the woods and there’s no one around, does it make a sound? Or, as the Bears prefer, if you nail a fat chick and no one sees you do it, was she really fat? In any case, Nowak only suffered a bruised ego, and continued his strong early season performance.

“My legs were a little tired from sex this weekend, and I truly feel that’s why I fell. A few more weeks on the Vasa Trainer and I should be all right,” stated Nowak. “But it’s good to get a laugh from the fans. I’m here to entertain as well. I also like surfing.”

Also supplying some pop from the bottom of the batting order was pitcher Devin Huber. Huber, who’s health condition was in question this week following an incident with a window falling on his hand, put any doubts aside with a solid single up the middle on top of another gem of an outing on the hill. Huber was the object of some tasteless jeering on the part of Team McDonald who poked fun at Huber’s size.

“Look, if you want to know the truth, yes, I shop at Wallaby Station (apparel for the shorter man), and I’m not ashamed of it. Lopez does too. He may not admit to it, but he does. The clothes fit better, bottom line. But when the other team starts giving me sh*t about it, that’s when it becomes an issue.”

In another twist of irony, Huber’s clothes were stolen from the locker room and he was forced to leave angry and nude.

The Bears were also fortunate of perhaps their best defensive effort in recent memory, with stellar performances from outfielders Brian Eby, Brian Hofmann and Steve Lopez. Lopez made a diving game saving catch late in the game, while Eby and Hofmann ran down several balls for crucial outs. Centerfielder Jon Branham, suffering from a hangover, made routine plays, but nothing more.

“I told the guys before the game that I was not bringing my A-game, but most people know, it’s never worse than a B+,” a surly Branham rapped from the showers. “When you booze like some of us did last night, these 3 PM games are just as tough as those 10 AM-ers. I mean, what was I supposed to do, not drink with coach?”

It was reported that Coach Buttermaker (Tim Pearson) was leading the alcoholic crusade with some of the Bears into the wee hours of Saturday evening. One eyewitness report even had Pearson vomiting at one point and another had Lopez falling out of a barstool, and laying motionless on the ground for several minutes in a drunken fugue.

Said Branham on the incident, “I was already in the bag when those dudes showed up at my place with a 12-er of Bud, a four pack of Guinness and a bottle of Carolan’s. The next thing I knew I was doing an Irish car bomb. I was sh*tfaced. But I wasn’t alone.”

Pearson’s only comment was, “Has anyone seen Almost Famous yet?” while Lopez could only muster, “Mrs. Stanwyck!!!” before dissolving into maniacal laughter.

There are rumors that some photos were taken late in the evening that some say could confirm the night’s debauchery. Of course, it should also be mentioned that Huber was part of the motley crew as well. The squirrelly Canadian has a knack of ‘finding the action’, so to speak. Huber is also commonly referred to as the desert fox.

Other Bears, incidentally, were also partying into the late hours. Coach Buttermaker suggested adopting a ‘do as I say, not as I do’ policy on drinking before games, though he offered no advice on gameday drinking, lifting some eyebrows among Bear players.

Hofmann, whose whereabouts were unknown all weekend, when asked if he, too, had been drinking, offered fresh insight.

“Does a bear sh*t in the woods?” Hofmann questioned, tongue in cheek. Hofmann excited some of the female fans in the crowd when he removed his shirt following a dive into second base, which left his shirt dirty full of filth and muck.

First baseman Oscar Cantu had this to say about the Bears extracurricular activities.

“My brown and white friends, let’s understand that it was Cinqo de Mayo yesterday, and there’s reason for the overindulgence. In fact, I advocate it on that special day. A day of celebration. That’s all for now. I gotta run home now. There’s still booze in the blender.”

Cantu was later seen casually jogging up Lake Shore Drive.

Back to the ballgame, the Bears also received some late game replacement help from Brad Hughes, who without complaint took over the sometimes too big to fill shoes of the absent Chris Dowsett. Dowsett could not attend after being devastated emotionally as he watched his Dodgers get swept by the Cubs, including personally observing the 20-1 whipping on Saturday. Dowsett could not be reached for comment, though various reports state he was chugging a beer when news of the victory reached him.

Hughes, always ready to fill in when needed, surmised that he could be the mainstay substitute.

“All I’m saying is that I have to be better than King,” Hughes suggested. “I mean, come on, he’s fat.”

Eby, with four weddings to go to in the next five weeks, could not locate his game spikes and was forced to wear soccer shoes for the game.

“I really don’t think there’s any reason to make that an issue,” a calm Eby mused from his weekender estate home in Lake Zurich. “Soccer shoes or spikes, I’m out there busting my ass like I do for all those damn chicken dances.”

So overall, a fine outing by the Bears. Huber’s pitching, coupled with the hitting all through the lineup, are inspiring confidence in this diverse group. It really wouldn’t be a Bears team without the camaraderie and chaos, and this team is no exception. They may not live model or moral lives off the field, but when gametime rolls around, the competitive juices get stirred up, and these guys find a way to get the job done. It remains to be seen whether this group can put it together for a strong playoff run, but so far so good for these Bears, and as another one of the famous Bear sayings goes, ‘you can lead a Bear to water, and he’ll drink. Oh, how he’ll drink.’

Notes: Thanks to Kim Melton and Eileen for giving the Bears their second outing with female fans and special thanks to Kim for wearing that tight yellow top…Congratulations to former Bear Greg Liebbe on his engagement this weekend. Way to go, Greg!….More congratulations to Bear Bob Govoni on completing his second year of dental school and the offer is still out there to anyone who wants a cheap teeth whitening….Bear Steve Lopez is offering an armoire to the highest bidder and would like everyone to know that he’s free, but he doesn’t know from whom…..the next Bears game will be Sunday at Columbus and Balbo in Grant Park, sometime between 10AM and 3PM. Hope to see everyone there, go Bears!

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April 29, 2001

Bears Bats Emerge From Hibernation in Opening Day Victory

CHICAGO -- The first game of the 2001 season was an emotional one for the Bears. Particularly for shortstop Bob Govoni.

Although everyone in the Bears lineup contributed, it was Govoni that keyed the Bears to a 14-6 victory over divisional rival The Fockers, while pitcher Devin Huber limited the Fockers lineup to six runs in 6.0 IP in front of 17 people at Grant Park's Field 3.

Govoni, the Bears shortstop, had two homers and four RBIs in three plate appearances, third baseman Tim Pearson added three hits and five RBI's, including a home run in the third inning, and Jon Branham knocked in two runs on a home run off Fockers starter Hugh Jass (0-1).

"It was very exciting out there, and very emotional," said Govoni, "The first inning, I was a little bit nervous, you know, with my girlfriend watching and all, but I got over it, regardless of how hungover I was. It was a special win today."

Fockers fans however, were not cordial to the Bears starting pitcher Huber. Focker batters were complaining all day about balls and strikes, and at one point in the third inning, Fockers left fielder Phil McCracken complained to the home plate umpire that Huber was throwing pitches illegally high. But after a brief confrontation, Huber settled down to complete the game.

"To go out there and pitch the way I did, knocking balls down, taking one off the chin, is one thing," said Huber, "but to hear that kind of crap is another. I just stuck to my game and got those mother Fockers out, it's the Canadian way."

The righty let his actions on the field speak on his behalf right from the git go in the season's opener. In his 67-pitch outing, Huber struck out the first batter, hoping that the old saying that you can tell how the season will turn out by the first batter comes true.

The Bears opened the game with two runs in the first with Govoni's two run homer, and then picked up the scoring later in the game, scoring four runs in the third, fourth, and fifth innings. Outfielder Steve Lopez had a strong game, despite early season speculations that he would pop out to lead off every game.

"I was happy to silence my critics, but I'm still pissed off that my armoire won't fit up the &%@# stairs! Dammit!"

Bears outfielder Brian Hofmann and first baseman Oscar Cantu were also strong contributors to the victory. When asked about the opening day victory, the two had this to say,

"I just can't believe how awesome Vince Neil was last night! When he and the band were playing Motley Crue hits such as 'Girls, Girls, Girls' and 'Home Sweet Home", we were like totally stoked! I mean, we were like ten feet from a guy who porked Pamela Lee before Tommy Lee got a hold of her. What's that? You were asking us about the softball game? Oh, that was pretty cool, too."

Chris Dowsett, the Bears' backstop, had a solid game with two hits and a chugged beer. "I'm a team player. I like to do all the little things that go unnoticed. If I can go out there and get a couple of hits, that's great. But I know the team is depending on me to chug that beer. I feel like I let the team down if I can't give a good 6 to 7 second chug. Can I bum a smoke?"

Despite the offensive show the Bears put on today, great defense was also apparent in the triumph. Left fielder Brian "Grizzly" Eby had three put outs and played a stellar game, despite being the only Bear held hitless. Eby, ever the selfless player, did inherit the Bears only walk of the game to lead off the four-run fifth inning.

"I just want to win. Stats are for the fans. And if anyone has anything else to say about that, tell them I'll meet them in the alley after the game."

Opening Day Notes: The Bears have won their last two openers ... One player, Andy Nowak, made his Bears debut in Chicago Sunday, fulfilling his life long dream of being a Bear. "I definitely had the butterflies today, taking my position on the field in front of the Grant Park fans, it was a thrilling moment, I wish momma was here to see it" ... Last year's Bears first baseman Michael Babich left the team the week before the season opener, choosing to pursue his acting dream of becoming the guy prior to movies who tells the patrons, 'no talking'. ... The Bears next game is 3:00 pm Sunday, May 6, on Field 1 against Team McDonald. Bears skipper, Buttermaker, hopes that those who have not paid yet will do so prior to that game.

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April 20, 2001

Liebbe Retires, Bears Left with Questions

CHICAGO -- In a stunning turn of events from the Bears organization, a statement was released by veteran second baseman, Greg Liebbe, this morning. The statement read:

"It is very hard for me to do this, but due to personal reasons, not corporate reasons, I am retiring from the game of softball. I will always have a place in my heart for the Bears, and in no way does this have anything to do with the organization. I leave with fond memories of seasons past, and an appreciation for the hard work my teammates displayed. I'm just glad I don't have to play against Ray Lankford's team any more. Thank you."

When asked if he would ever come out of retirement and return to the Bears, Liebbe replied, "As of right now, I'm 99.9% sure I am not returning. However, that may change a couple of months from now."

Speculation has it that he is going to turn his attention to a pro basketball career, but that could not be confirmed. Liebbe had no comments when asked about these rumors.

Liebbe's retirement left Bears coaches Tim Pearson and Jon Branham in a desperate situation without a second baseman. But GM Steve Lopez worked the phones long and hard (hehe) and managed to sign the best free agent on the market, Andy Nowak. Nowak, who has been out of softball for four years now, has recently been working hard to get himself back into playing shape, and had this to say about joining the Bears:

"Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that, first off, I'm truly excited to have the opportunity to play softball for the great fans of the Grant Park league. And to be playing for a class organization like the Bears, well, it's like a dream come true. I grew up idolizing guys like Oscar Cantu and Bob Govoni... Brian Hofmann... to get the chance to play next to them is going to be an honor. My momma always used to tell me, 'Son! Don't be playing with those balls hard, you gotta play with them soft!' She was right, and now that I have the chance, I will. I love you, momma. We made it."

Nowak will be joining the team this weekend at their spring training facility on North Avenue.

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